i am not happy.  i really thought that he was commited to our relationship-he worked harder at cultivating and maintaining "us" when we lived 135 miles apart than he does now that we live together. its almost like now that i'm here, he doesn't have to put any effort into the marriage.

i am hurt. so very hurt. do disappointed. i have been married 3 times before and after the last divorce, joel was such a promise of a good relationship. i thought that i had found someone that would cherish me like the Bible says that a man is to do for his wife-someone that i would love to honor like the Bible says for a wife to do for her husband. our house is not a home. its just a house that we live in. i guess i saw what i wanted to see, but i really thought he was the answer to my prayers. a loving, caring husband, who also seemed to be the strong father figure that jonah needed. i did not marry joel because of jonah, i wasn't looking for a daddy for him. i married joel because i loved him. i honestly believed that he was the man that God had had me waiting for,  for the last 5 years. i know that no relationship is perfect-there are always times of hardship, when the going gets rough, but...suddenly it all has just gone *POOF* into thin air.

i've tried to talk to him, to tell him how i feel and he always apologizes, blaming it on being stressed about the bills-he had lost his unemployment there for a while-i havent found a job yet, which i feel that he resents, he was really upset that i didn't take the job at fabio's in newland, it would have been a hot foods job, and i wanted to go into baking. if i had known that it would've been so hard to find a baking job, i would have gone to work there. now, i just feel like i have been such a disappointment for him too. he hasn't said that in so many words, but its something that i feel i hear loud and clear. all the marriage is now...is just 2 residences combined into one. roommates is all we are.  i remember deannah telling him after the trip to ohio that soon i would find out how he treats women-that he would hurt me just like he had hurt diane AND donna. i haven't talked to diane, but donna said that he treated her the exact same way.