Monday was the 3rd year anniversary of Mother's passing. I dont know how to describe how it feels, not having your mother. It wasn't a big shock that caught us all by surprise, although for you, I still am not sure if you really knew that she wouldn't be coming home. Your Aunt Julie has been without her mom since 1988-she was 18 and just out of high school when Jane died. I asked her if it ever gets any easier-she said you just get used to it. I guess that's a good way to put it.
When my Papaw Disney died, it was very sudden. He hadn't been sick at all. Grandmother and her sister, GreatAunt Adene, had been to town and Grandmother found him out the back door where he had been carrying in wood. It was traumatic for all of us, and I was just devestated.  I cried and cried. For months. And months. It took quite a few years for me to be able to not fall to pieces when I thought about him.
I still haven't cried over Mother.
Uncle Don said that it was probably because I grieved as I watched her die over that last year. She was always busy doing something-always active, never sitting down to rest until the evening after supper. She loved to garden, whether it was over vegetables or flowers. You know how she loved her back yard? She used to garden vegetables with the same enthusiasm. I remember her cooking down tomatoes to freeze. She'd leave some chopped to put into soup, and some she make juice out of. (Wow, I loved that homemade juice, seeds and all! Talk about your tongue slapping your brain silly!) She really enjoyed gardening, and seeing the results of her hard work.
Even her last summer, in all her pain, she managed to gather enough strength to get out in that hot sun and pull weeds. She wanted to see the lilies bloom.  I think it both brought her pain, and comforted her heart. comfort because the lilies were James favorite flower, and hurt because he wasn't there to see them with her. One night, she got out of bed to have me rub that HeadOn pain relief stuff on her back, and sat down on the little step...she was so tired...so very tired...and had her head in her hand. And she said "I wish T was here".
It's when I think of things like that, that I get so sad. Not breaking down, falling apart, etc. No crying. Just an immense sadness.