today, being the Lord's day, i took the day off from packing and trying to straighten up. you can tell by looking at my house too!  back at the grind tomorrow though. i'll be glad when this moving is completed.
i'm up alone now. my son-in-law's daughter is spending the night here with her dad. my son is sleeping in my bedroom floor, and samantha and bobby are asleep as well. i have mandy moore playing on windows media. i had ordered her new cd through her website, and i just love it. i keep playing it over & over!
it's times like this that i wish my mother was still here. goodness, how i miss her at time. i remind myself that she was saved as a teenager, and as i believe whole heartedly that salvation is eternal, i know that she is no longer in pain. how she suffered. sometimes when i think about those last months i fell sick to my stomach. please, if you ever have to deal with a painful disease/illness, be persistantly aggressive in communicating with your doctor. don't just suffer through the pain when there are so many safe and legal medications available to help us. there is no need for anyone to suffer horrible pain. i think of my mother doubled over, crying, with the tears streaming down her face. i was with her the day the oncologist looked through her chart and said that there was nothing in her chart that would show why she was having the pain that she claimed.
sometimes it makes me so very angry. the signs were all there, but two doctors, one in particular, implied that the pain was all in her head. i knew that it wasn't, but i could only give her the meds that they prescribed. they had told her she would have quality of life after her chemo, but how many times she told them that "this is NOT quality of life". i have solace in the fact that i took care of her to the very best of my ability. i cooked anything she would and could eat, kept her hydrated, got her out on a drive whenever she felt like getting out, and gave her meds when she needed them. how my heart grieves for the pain that i know she was in. how i am moved with compassion  for all that suffer with the pain of cancer.
she finally found one doctor at her family physician's office that really LISTENED.her doctor was out that day, so she saw a partner. he felt the knots in her stomach and all around her abdomen, and wouldn't let her go home until she had some tests run and he got the results back. this was on thursday.
we were hoping for at least a couple of good weeks,  two, maybe  three. we got one day. she went into the hospital and i knew she wasn't coming home. for 5 days, i only left to pick up my son from school, and to get a change of clothes for the next day. she died the following thursday morning about 6:15. she no longer hurts. but it will be maybe 40 years before i get to see her again.
the morning i took her to the hospital, she told me that she was trying, but she didn't think she was going to make it to my graduation.
if you still have your mother, be sure to cherish the time that you have together. and even though you will be upset with her at times, just like we all do, keep in mind that it won't always be this way. there will be a day that you don't have her anymore. don't just tell her you love her, show her. the little things that you do for her now, will be a blessed consolation when you are alone. the hot coffee, or the cold coke, helping her wash her back in the bathtub!... lotion on her feet and back-her skin was so dry and delicate from the chemo-...i found out that pomgrante juice is good to keep you from getting shingles (from the produce man at the fresh market) which is something she'd had more than once, and i made sure she didn't run out of it! she liked it better than grape juice. it's these memories that bring me such a wonderful consolation now. blessings, angelia